DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List off Successful and Popular Plays. Large CataloKue Free. 
Price 15c each. Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given 



DRAMAS, COMEDIES, 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. 

M. F. 

Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 

acts, 2J4 hrs (2Sc) 8 8 

Abbu San of Old Japan, 2 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 15 

After the Game, 2 acts, 1J4 

hrs (25c) 1 9 

All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 4 4 

All on Account of Polly, 3 acts, 

2^4 hrs (25c) 6 10 

American Hustler, 4 acts, lYz 

hrs (25c) 7 4 

As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 

2V2 hrs (2Sc) 9 7 

At the End of the Rainbow, 3 

acts, 2Yx hrs (25c) 6 14 

Bank Cashier, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 8 4 

Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 h. (2Sc) 9 3 
Boy Scout Hero, 2 acts, 1J4 hrs. 

(25c) 17 

Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2J4 

hrs (25c) 7 3 

Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. « 

(2Sc) 7 4 

Burns Rebellion, 1 hr (25c) 8 5 

Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2^ h. (25c) 7 4 
Civil Service, 3 acts, 2^^ hrs. 

(25c) 

College Town, 3 acts, 2J4 

hrs (2Sc) 

Danger Signal, 2 acts, 2 hrs.. 
Daughter of the Desert, 4 

acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 

Deacon Dubbs, 3 acts, 2^4 hrs. 

(2Sc) 

Deacon Entangled, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 

Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2 '-3 

hrs (2Sc) 8 4 

Dream That Came True, 3 

acts, 2;4 hrs (25c) 6 13 

Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr....(25c) 10 
Enchanted Wood, 1)4 h. (35c).Optnl. 
Everyyouth, 3 acts, IJ^ h. (25c) 7 6 
Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 4 4 

Fun on the Podunk Limited, 

114 hrs (25c) 9 14 

Heiress of Hoetown, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (2Sc) 8 4 

Her Honor, the Mayor, 3 acts, 

2 hrs. (25c) 3 5 

High School Freshman, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 12 

Honor of a Cowboy, 4 acts, 2% 

hrs (25c) 13 4 

Indian Days, 1 hr (50c) 5 2 



6 5 



6 4 

5 5 



6 4 



M. F. 

In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 2J4 

hrs (25c) 6 4 

Iron Hand, 4 acts, 2 hrs.. (25c) 5 4 
Jayville Junction, 1^ hrs.(25c)14 17 
Kicked Out of College, 3 acts, 

214 hrs (25c) 10 9 

Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 

acts, 254 hrs (2Sc) 6 12 

Laughing Cure, 2 acts, 1J4 hrs. 

(25c) 4 5 

Lexington, 4 acts, 2^4 h..(25c) 9 4 
Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Lodge of Kye Tyes, 1 hr.(25c)13 
Man from Borneo, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 5 2 

Mirandy's Minstrels (2Sc) Optnl. 

Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown, 3 

acts, 21^ hrs (2Sc) 4 7 

New Woman, 3 acts, 1 hr.... 3 6 
Old Maid's Club, IJ^ hrs.(2Sc) 2 16 
Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (2Sc) 8 6 

Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 

Wa hrs. (2Sc)12 9 

On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 

21/2 hrs (25c) 10 4 

Out in the Streets, 3 acts, 1 hr. 6 4 
Parlor Matches, 2 acts, 1}^ hrs. 

(25c) 4 S 

Poor Married Man, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 4 4 

Prairie Rose, 4 acts, 2^ h. (25c> 7 4 

Rummage Sale, 50 min 4 10 

Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 2J4 

hrs (25c) 10 12 

Savageland, 2 acts, 2Y2 hrs. (SOc) 5 5 
School Ma'am, 4 acts, 15-4 hrs. 6 5 
Scrap of Paper, 3 acts, 2 hrs.. 6 6 
Sewing for the Heathen, 40 min. 9 
Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (2Sc) 7 

Star Bright, 3 acts, 2^^ h. (2Sc) 6 5 
Teacher, Kin I Go Home? 2 

scenes, 35 min 7 3 

Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 6 4 

Thread of Destiny, 3 acts, 2J4 

hrs (25c) 9 16 

Tonv, the Convict, 5 acts, 2J/i 

hrs (25c) 7 4 

Town Marshal, 4 acts, 2!4 

hrs (25c) 6 3 

Trial of Hearts, 4 acts, 2yi, hrs. 

(25c) 6 18 

Trip to Storyland, 1 ;4 hrs. (25c) 17 23 
LTncle Josh, 4 acts, 2^4 hrs.(2Sc) 8 3 
Under Blue Skies, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (2Sc) 7 10 

Under the Laurels, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 6 4 
When the Circus Came to 

Town, 3 acts, 2^ hrs.(2Sc) S 3 



T.S.DENISON & COMPANY,Publisher$,154W.Randolph St., Chicago 



PAT'S MATRIMONIAL 
VENTURE 



A COMEDY 



BY 

WARD MACAULEY 

AUTHOR OF 

'Lazy Bob Parkins," "Graduation Day at Woodhill School,' ' etc. 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 










PAT'S MATRIMONIAL VENTURE 

CHARACTERS. 

Pat McGinnis A Patron of the Matrimonial Bureau 

Mrs. Helen Fielding In Search of a Hired Man 

Molly Malone Mrs. Fielding's Maid 

Time — The Present. 

Place — Parlor of Mrs. Fielding's Home. Morning. 

■ Time of Playing — About Twenty- five Minutes. 

COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS. 

Pat — An Irishman of over fifty. Plain, slightly shabby, 
dark suit. 

Mrs. Fielding — A well-dressed woman of thirty-five to 
forty. 

Molly — A pert maid. House maid's costume. 

PROPERTIES. 

Duster and paper covered book for Molly. Book for Pat. 
Telephone. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of the stage ; C, center ; R. C, right cen- 
ter; L., left; R. D., right door; L. D., left door, etc.; 1 E., 
first entrance; U.E., upper entrance, etc.; D.F., door in 
flat or scene running across the back of the stage ; 1 G., first 
groove, etc. The actor is supposed tO' be facing the audience. 

copyright, 1916, BY EBEN H. NORRIS. ffl ^f^L^ 

2 g)ci,D 4520r jSiO 

OCT 18 1916 " 



PAT'S MATRIMONIAL VENTURE 



Scene: Parlor, zvell furnished with easy chairs, table, 
etc. Doors C. and R. Telephone at R. 

Discovered, Mrs. Fielding and Molly. Molly is clean- 
ing up the room, straightening chairs, etc. 

Mrs. Fielding. Now, another thing, Molly ; if I employ 
a man, I don't want you to take up all his time with your 
talking and simpering. 

Molly {pausing in her work). What may you be em- 
ploying this man for to do, ma'am? 

Mrs. F. He is to help with the farm work, milk the 
cows, and all that sort of thing. I hope we get one today, 
because we must leave on Monday. We simply must. 

Molly. And did yez say he was going to milk cows, 
ma'am ? 

Mrs. F. {impatiently). Certainly, milk cows. 

Molly. Cows ? 

Mrs. F. Yes, cows. 

Molly {resumes dusting for a minute). Did yez say 
milk cows, ma'am? 

Mrs. F. Yes, cows — c-o-w-s, cows. Why? 

Molly. Well, ma'am, yez need have no fear about me 
wastin' his time, ma'am. I don't assoshate with men Avhat 
milk cows, ma'am. They're beneath me. 

Mrs. F. I'm glad to hear it, Molly ; but just to be sure 
I'm going to hire an old man, if I get a chance. I wouldn't 
risk A'^ou with a young chap, even if he milked cows — coavs. 

Molly. Quiet your fears, ma'am, I know me station. 
{The telephone rings.) // 

Mrs. F. {at the phone). Yes, this is Mrs. Fielding. Ah,/ 
the intelligence office. You are sending a man up? Yes/ 
number eleven Gladstone Avenue. Very well; thank you. 
Wliat are the charges? Good-bye. 

Molly. Hurray! I hope he's young and handsome. 

3 



4 PAT'S MATRIMONIAL VENTURE. 

Mrs. F. Well, he won't be young or handsome, and he 
won't be Irish, either, I warrant you. Blood is thicker 
than water, and anybody named O'Brien, O'Reilly, Fla- 
herty or Moriarity has no chance for this position. 

Molly. How about O'Flynn? 

Mrs. F. No, nor O'Flynn. 

Molly. Or O'Rafferty? 

Mrs. F. No, nor O'Rafferty. 

Molly. Or McGinnis? 

Mrs. F. No, nor McGinnis or any other name that 
sounds like the Emerald Isle. You'd be talking home rule 
to him morning, noon and night and the garden never would 
get spaded nor the cows milked. 

Molly. Have no fears, ma'am; it's hard to find an 
Irishman what'd do that sort o' work. 

Mrs. F. (contemptuously). Ah, you think your Mikes 
wouldn't stoop to milk cows, I suppose. 

Molly. They wouldn't have to stoop, ma'am. They'd 
get them stools ; but they can get better jobs as that. 

Mrs. F. Is that so? What do they do? 

Molly. They do be p'licemen, that's what they do. 

Mrs. F. Well, I'm going upstairs. You can let me 
know when he comes ; but if he's either young or hand- 
some, or Irish, send him packing.' (Exit C.) 

Molly (busily dusting). As though I would assoshate 
with the likes of a man what milks cows. Cows, d'ye mind? 
And me a respictable ladies' maid — that's had her chances. 
Yes, indeed, I have. I'm thinking if I want a man — which 
I don't fer all o' that — I could get me a jockey or a dr)' 
goods clerk or an undertaker or somebody respictable 
'thout having to take up 'ith a man that milks cows. (Puts 
douni her duster and takes a greasy looking paper novel 
from her apron. She then seats herself in a comfortable 
rocker and prepares to read. Looking at the title.) "A 
Wild Marriage; or The Blacksmith's Beautiful Daughter." 
Let me see; where did I leave off ? I think Lord Ramble- 
hurst is just grand. (Disdainfully.) As if I'd talk to a man 
who milks cows when a real Lord might take a fancy to 



PAT'S MATRIMONIAL VENTURE. 5 

me, same's he did to Etheldretha. Of course, she was 
beautiful, but (rising and going toward mirror) I'm not so 
bad looking riiyself. (Prinks at the mirror, quietly singing 
or humming an Irish song.) 

The bell rings, Molly stops prinking, replaces book in 
pocket and admits Pat at R. 

Molly. Faith, me man, why didn't you come 'round at 
the rear? 

Pat. The rear, me lass? Well — and Oi'll be hung for a 
harse-thief if it ain't me old frind Molly. Molly, don't yez 
remimber your old frind — thried and thrue — Pat McGin- 
nis? B'garry, your father an' me had many a scrap. 
Many's the toime Oi've blacked his eyes for him. 

Molly. Yes, and he lived to have ye blacken his boots 
fer him. 

Pat. Well, Oi always wanted to shoine in sassiety. 

Molly. You did all right ; and besides it wasn't me 
father, but me grandfather. Faith, I'm only sixteen, swate 
sixteen. And another thing, Mr. McGinnis. I've a big 
notion my grandfather blackened your eyes as frequently 
as you did his'n, if not more so. But to the p'int. Why 
didn't you come in the back door? 

Pat. Back door, is it? Not me. 

Molly. A man otter when he's looking fer a job. 

Pat. Not this koind of a job. 

Molly. Well, I'll tell her yer here. But, say — another 
thing. Don't tell yer real name. 

Pat. Pwhy not? Haven't Oi a good roight to be proud 
of it? Three cheers fer the green, green and green (zvhich 
he sings loudly to the air "The Red, White and Blue"). 

Molly. Hist. Shut yer large-sized face. The missis 
'11 hear yez. 

Pat. B'garry, I don't care if the whole universe hears 
ut. Ashamed of the fair land that gave me birth ! Not 
Patrick McGinnis. 

Molly. If yez want to git the job, put yer patr'otism 
into a tin can for cold storage. The missus says, says she, 
not an Irishman gets the job. 



6 PAT'S MATRIMONIAL VENTURE. 

Pat. Per phwy? 

Molly. Per b'cause him an' me'd talk together too 
much, says she {sticking her nose into the air), as if Pd 
talk to a man that milks cows. 

Pat. Milks cows, is it? 

Molly. Sure, the man that gets this job has got to milk 
cows. 

Pat. It's onfair discrimination, say Oi, but Oi'm out fer 
the job. Has she got lots of money? 

Molly. Yer right there ; but make up yer mind what 
name Pm to tell her. 

Pat. How would Smith be? 

Molly {meditating). I guess mebbe a Princh name'd 
be better. 

Pat. Princh, b'garry. Oi look loike a Frinchman ! 

Molly. I read about a Princhman in the weekly Com- 
panion once. His name was Foulet. 

Pat. Poola it is, then, but Oi'm bettin' it'll be a-fool 
ferninst.Oi git through. 

Molly. Yer name, sir, then is Poulet? 

Pat. Not then, Molly ; now. 

Molly. Well, now, then. 

Pat. Not now then, just now. 

Molly {dignified). Shall I say your name is Foulet? 

Pat. You can do that. {Exit Molly, C.) Foola, is it? 
B'garry, Oi niver thought the day would come whin Oi'd 
hoide me name and parentage — and fer the parposes of 
matrimony. Let me see. {Feels in his pockets.) B'garry, 
Oi've got that paper somewheres. Faith, these matrimo- 
nial bureau drawers are the foine invention, tho' divil a 
bureau did Oi see in the whole place. {He produces a 
printed paper.) All a felly has got to do is to read the 
description and selict the wan he wants. Plere is the wan 
Oi planked me optic on. {He glances up and dozvn the 
paper.) "Slinder, petite widow lady with means wishes to 
meet ginteleman with view to matrimony." Says Oi to 
m'self, says Oi, "It ain't bad." In course, Oi had no notion 
what petite meant unless it meant petti-coats, meanin' it 



PAT'S MATRIMONIAL VENTURE. 7 

was a woman; but faith, if she was a widow, she must be 
a woman an' b'garry must wear petticoats. Oi didn't just 
loike the word "means" in there to first. Oi've seen enough 
mean ones as ut is, but Oi found out "means" meant with 
money, an' says Oi to m'self she can be as mean as she 
loikes if that's what means means. So Oi git a felly to 
wroite her a litter. And she makes a date with me here 
fer this very marnin'. Here's the very litter. (Produces 
from pocket and reads.) "Mr. Unknown Admirer (speaks) 
that's me (reads) please call at the house, number nine 
Gladstone Avenue, Tuesday marnin', whin we can see 
whether our tastes are mutual, so that we could marry hap- 
pily. Yours, the widow." An' here. Oi am. If she's got 
the coin, me tastes are mutchel er phwativer it is. (Takes 
small book from inside pocket.) "Secrets of Court- 
ship 'n Marriage." B'garry, it's hard to teach an old dawg 
new thricks, but b'garry, better late than niver. Oi hope 
the loidy ain't prejudiced agin an elderly gintleman. Here 
it is. "How to Propose." Well, it ain't so dilicate as tho' 
she didn't know phwat fer phwy Oi was comin'. (Reads.) 
"Take the loidy's hand ii] yers gintly." (Speaks.) Did the 
felly wot wrote this book think you'd grab it loike you was 
a-playing tug o' war? (Reads.) "Look into^ her eyes seri- 
ously and earnestly." (Speaks.) B'garry, Oi'm the mon to 
do that, too. (Reads.) "Say something loike this: 'Ma- 
tilda, or phwativer the case may be, the toime has come 
whin you an' Oi must decide the most momentous — " 
(speaks.) Oi'll get stuck on that word sure. (Reads.) 
Question. "Oi love you, Matilda, or phwativer the case 
may be. Be mine an' Oi'll spind me loife — (speaks) — only 
Oi won't; Oi'll spind her money (reads) thrying to make 
yez happy. All that Oi hev is yours" (speaks) an' that 
ain't nothin (reads) "and yer sloightest wish shall be grati- 
fied. At this point drop on one knee before the lady." 
(Speak?.) Oi ain't so young as Oi was whin Oi was 
younger. (Drops on one knee, hook in hand. Reads.) 
"Matilda, dear, or phwativer the case may be, doesn't your 
heart say yes? Remain in a kneeling posture awaitin' the 



8 PAT'S MATRIMONIAL VENTURE. 

loidy's answer." (Speaks.) B'garry, Oi had better re- 
hearse that ur Oi'll slip up loike whin yiz hit a banana 
peeHng, unbeknownedst. {Reads.) "Yez take the loidy's 
hand gintly, then yez looks thoughtfully into her eyes, then 
yez says a few words, then yez drops onto wan knee." 
(Speaks.) B'garry, she'll hev to wait a minute fer me to 
drop. (He slozvly and painfully gets dozvn on one knee.) 

Enter Mrs. F., C. 

Mrs. F. Well, for gracious sake, my good man ! 

Pat. I lost a suspinder button somew'ers. (He rises 
sloivly.) I think yez advertised fer a mon. 

Mrs. F. I did. Are you from the intelligence office? 

Pat (aside). Intilligince office, is ut? Well, Oi guess 
a matrimonial bureau drawer is an intilligence office — ur 
otter be. (To Mrs. F.) Yis, ma'am. Oi'm from there. 

Mrs. F. Well, what are your qualifications? 

Pat. Oi haven't any 'ith me. 

Mrs. F. You'll have to get some if you want this job. 
What is your name? 

Pat. McG — I mean Foola. 

Mrs. F. Foulet? How do you spell it? 

Pat. Oi don't spell it. 

Mrs. F. You don't spell it? You don't mean to stand 
there and say you can't spell your own name? 

Pat. No, ma'am. 

Mrs. F. No, ma'am? What are you talking about? 

Pat. Oi said Oi don't spell ut. Oi didn't say Oi can't 
spell ut. (Aside.) Not to say Oi can't spell ut roight. 

Mrs. F. Well, spell it, then, and be quick about it. 

Pat. Capital F, small o, another o — 

Mrs. F. Oh! 

Pat. That's phwat Oi said, "o." Yez put me out, 
ma'am. 

Mrs. F. You had better hasten or I will have you put 
out. 

Pat. Shure, ma'am, this ain't no business to be hustlin' 
up in. Do it in haste and repint at your lasure — if you've 



PAT'S MATRIMONIAL VENTURE. 9 

got any. Large F, small o, another o — I mane another 
little one, 1, a, Foola. 

Mrs. F. But my maid said* it was F-o-u-l-e-t. 

Pat. Well, Oi didn't ask ye to have me spell lit, did 
Oi? And b'garry, who knows best how to spell me name — 
me ur your hired girl? 
^ Mrs. F. Are you referring to my maid? 

Pat. Maid or made-up, fer all o' me. 

Mrs. F. You are French, then? 

Pat. Divil a bit — I mane yis, ma'am. I was born in 
Cork — I mane on the banks of the Seine. 

Molly (at the door). May St. Patrick forgive him. 
Enter Molly, C. 

Mrs. F. Comme ce vas. 

Pat. Not on-your tin-type, ma'am. 

Mrs. F. I was speaking French to you. 

Pat. Shure an' it ain't the Frinch Oi know. 

Mrs. F. I studied at one of our best schools. 

Pat. It ain't wot Oi heard in Paris. 

Mrs. F. (to Molly). He must be very low French. 

Molly. Yes, ma'am, very, very low Frinch. 

Mrs. F. How old are you? 

Pat. Oi'm fifty-four and a quarter and be the same 
token, how is ut 'ith you? 

Mrs. F. How is what with me? 

Pat. Age, ma'am. A bargain's a bargain, ain't ut? 

Mrs. F. Certainly not. If you continue to be imperti- 
nent, I will look further. 

Pat. Oi mint no harm, ma'am, but there hadn't ought 
to be no secrets betwixt us. But niver moind, Oi'm willin' 
if you are. 

Mrs. F. Well, let us see a minute. 

Pat. It wasn't me phwat was a-talkin' about hustlin' a 
minute ago. 

Mrs. F. Can you milk cows? 

Pat (aside). B'garry, she has a strange way o' courtin'. 
(To Mrs. F.) Faith, ma'am, milkin' cows is me hobby. 

Mrs. F. We have but two cows. 



10 PAT'S MATRIMONIAL VENTURE. 

Pat. Let's get a dozen or so, ma'am. 

Mrs. .F. I will attend to that. 

Pat (emphatically), 'ith me advice. 

Mrs. F. I don't understand you, sir. 

Pat. B'garry, Oi don't understand m'self. 

Mrs. F. Did you bring any references? 

Pat. Riferences — fer phwat? 

Mrs. /F. Why, from your previous positions. 

Pat. Oi'm a bachelor, ma'am. 

Mrs. F. Well, what of it? 

Pat. How can Oi have any riferences? And besides Oi 
thought ye'd prefer a bachelor to a widower, grass ur other- 
wise. 

Mrs. F. (impatiently). I don't care whether you're a 
bachelor, a widower, a married man or what you are. 

Pat (aside). B'garry, Oi'm in on a funny deal. 

Mrs. F. All I want to know is whether you are a good, 
honest, reliable man. 

Pat. Oi'm honest, all right. 

Mrs. F. But how do I know that? 

Pat. Faith,, ma'am, ain't Oi a-tellin' you m'sef ? 

Mrs. F. Are you good at weeding? 

Pat. Oi am that. (Flirtatiously.) Oi'm especially good 
at widow-weedin'. 

Mrs. F. Whatever is the man talking about? 

Pat (still flirting). As if yez didn't know, ma'am. 

Mrs. F. Most certainly, I don't know what you mean 
i)y such impertinence. 

Pat. Ax yer hired — I mane yer maid — to lave the room 
an' Oi'll tell ye. 

Mrs. F. Stay where you are, Molly. 

Pat. Just as you say, ma'am, only Oi was a-thinkin' a 
matter loike this ought to be a bit private, but Oi'm willin' 
if you are. 

Mrs. F. Whatever is the matter with the man? 

Molly. He must be very low Frinch. 

Pat. Well, here's where Oi commence. (He attempts 
to take Mrs. F.'s Jiand. She draws it azvay indignantly. 



PAT'S MATRIMONIAL VENTURE. 11 

He takes it again, and again she withdraws it. At last he 
succeeds in capturing it for a moment. He then assumes 
a ludicrous expression meant to be earnest and looks into 
her eyes.) 

Mrs. F. {struggling to free her hand). What is the 
man doing ? Molly, telephone for the police. 

Molly {timidly). Yes, ma'am. 

Pat. No, for the priest. {Aside.) Pat, mz boy, the 
women always purtend to resist yez. 

Mrs. F. I order you to leave this house. 

Pat {still looking comically earnest into her eyes). Ma- 
tilda, ur phwativer the case may be — 

Mrs. F. Have you called the poHce, Molly? 

Molly. I'm goin' to, ma'am. 

Pat. The toime has come whenst you an' me must de- 
cide the most monotonous question. {Aside.) B'garry, 
Oi'm glad Oi got that word roight. Oi was afraid Oi'd 
muss it up. 

Mrs. F. {determinedly). Will you leave this house? 

Pat. Oi love yez, Matilda, ur phwativer the case may be. 
Be moine an' Oi shall spind me loife makin' yez happy. 

Mrs. F. Molly, hurry! 

Molly. Pm afraid to, ma'am. 

Pat. All that Oi have is yourn, an' yer sloightest wish 
shall be gratified. At this point drop on one knee before 
the loidy. {Slowly and painfully drops to one knee. Mrs. 
F. disengages her hand. When Pat gets dozvn he tries to 
get her hand again. Mrs. F. steps azmy and Pat lumbers 
after her on his knees, vainly trying to reach her hand. 
Mrs. F. puts a chair in his way and he bangs against it. 
Still on his knees.) Matilda, does yer heart say yes? Phwat 
is yer answer? 

Mrs. F. My answer is for you to leave this house in- 
stantly. 

Pat {rising slowly). Oh, don't say that, Matilda, ur 
phwativer the case may be. B'garry, this is a plisant re- 
ception, Oi must remark. Yez invoites me here and then 



12 PAT'S MATRIMONIAL VENTURE. 

yez arders me out. B'garry, loidies don't treat the gintle- 
men that way in Oireland — Oi mane France. 

Mrs. F. If you had conducted yourself like a gentle- 
man I wouldn't have been obliged to do so. 

Pat. B'garry, Oi hain't had much experience, but Oi 
did prezackly as the book told me, wurrud fer wurrud. 

Mrs. F. Was it an etiquette book? 

Pat. An etticat book? Fer all Oi know. It cost me 
tin cints. But say, now (flirtatiously) , yez will have me, 
won't yez? 

Mrs. F. Have you? Why, I don't know. I must find 
out your quaifilcations, if you are able to behave long 
enough to answer my questions. 

Pat (suddenly) . Have yez any children, ma'am? 

Mrs. F. (frigidly). No ; but what business is it of yours? 
I'm not hiring a nurse-girl. 

Pat. Don't you mane a nurse-maid, man? 

Mrs. F. Nurse-girl is proper. 

Pat. Come, now, Matilda, ur phwativer the case may 
be, send your maid about her work and we can have a nice 
little tety-tety, as us Frinch calls ut, an' we'll foind our 
tastes is mutchal ur phwativer ut is and we'll live happy 
ever after? 

Mrs. F. What are you talking about? 

Pat. Oi'm talkin' about matrimony, that's phwat Oi'm 
talkin' about. 

Mrs. F. Matrimony? 

Pat. Yis, gettin' married, hitchin' up, phwativer ye 
loike. B'garry, didn't yez advertise for a man? 

Mrs. F. Why, yes, for a man to do farm work. 

Pat. (getting out his slip). B'garry, divil a wurrud about 
farm work do Oi foind in this. (Reading.) "Slinder, 
petite widow lady with means wishes to meet a gintleman 
with view to matrimony." And then Oi writted a litter, 
Oi did, ur had it written an' paid a quarter fer it, too. 

Mrs. F. Why, the man has a delusion. 

Pat. Delusion yer grand-aunt ! Oi sint ye the litter and 
ye sint wan back, an' here it is. (Triumphantly.) "Mr. 



PAT'S MATRIMONIAL VENTURE. 13 

Unknown Admirer, please call at the house, number nine 
Gladstone Avenue, Tuesday marnin', when we can see 
whether our tastes are mutual, so that we can marry hap- 
pily. Yours, The Widow." There now, b'garry, Oi came 
an O'i did my part. 

Mrs. F. But this isn't number nine Gladstone Avenue. 

Pat. It ain't? Now, Matilda, ur phwativer the case 
may be, don't yez troifle 'ith me. 

Mrs. F. This is number eleven. 

Pat. Thin it must be nixt door. 

Mrs. F. It must be. 

Pat. Is she a noice lady? An' has she got a lot of 
money ? 

Molly. Ye mercenary old heathen. 

Pat. Is she very petite and slinder? 

Mrs. F. She weighs about ninety pounds. 

Pat. B'garry, that is slinder. 

Molly. Sliver, I should say. 

Pat. An has she got a noice disposition? 

Mrs. F. I don't know as to that, but she's been married 
four times. 

Pat {nervous). Phwat happened thim? 

Mrs. F. They are all dead. The last only lived six 
months after the wedding. 

Pat. B'garry, Oi'm glad Oi got in wrong fer oncest. 
Ma'am, will ye employ an honest, reliable Oirishman, phwat 
his name ain't Foulet but McGinnis, to milk cows, weed 
weeds — milk-weeds ur any kinds, mow hay, pick potatys 
ur phwativer ye loike? 

Mrs. F. Well, I might think that over if you promise 
not to talk to Molly. 

Pat. Oi'm the mon can do that. Interduce me to the 
cows immej lately. 

Curtain. 



The Deacon Entangled 

By HARRY OSBORNE. 
Price, 25 Cents 

Comedy in 3 acts; 6 males, 4 females. Time, 2 hours. Scene: 
1 interior. Characters: Deacon Penrose, a member in good stand- 
ing. Calvin, his nephew. Rev. Sopher, a supporter of foreign mis- 
sions Harry Baxter, a sporting writer. Rafferty, a policeman. 
A Plain Clothes Man. Mrs. Penrose. Ruth, her daughter. 
Georgie, Rev. Sopher's daughter. Katy, a maid. 
SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. — In which the Deacon finds himself in a tight corner. 
Dr. Sopher, who can coax money out of a wooden Indian. A thou- 
sand dollars for the new pipe organ. Cal arrives. A clean-up- 
clouter instead of a ministerial prospect. "Did I forget my necktie 
and button my collar in the back?" The Deacon spends a night 
out. "We won't go home until morning." 

Act II.^The raid on the gambling joint. "Why didn't you 
jump when I told you." On bail. "A thousand dollars to the Doc 
or you lose your job as Deacon; a thousand to the judge or six 
months." A sporting chance. Ready for the game. A donation 
to Foreign Missions and a double barreled courtship. The elope- 
ment. The arrest. "Come on Cal, I'll see you through." 

Act III. — The big game. Tied in the Tenth. Cal goes to the 
box. A Pinch Hitter. "Over the scoreboard." On the Deacon's 
trail — the Horse pistol — pay the fine or go to jail. A hair line 
finish. "Hold on, " Copper." "Here's your thousand and here's 
your girl. Look happy and have your picture taken." A new 
son-in-law. "Bother Boarding School." The Deacon smiles. 

A Trial of Hearts 

By LINDSEY BARBEE. 

Price, 25 Cents 

College comedy in 4 acts; 6 males, 18 females. Time, 21^ hours. 
Scenes: 3 interiors, 1 exterior. Characters: Dudley Van Antwerp, 
a wealthy college man. Philip, his best friend. Roger, Teddy, 
Jack and Jerry, fraternity men. Mrs. Van Antwerp, of great im- 
portance. Honor, Dudley's wife. Fourteen lively sorority girls. A 
chaperone and a maid. 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. — Gretchen and Jerry play Romeo and Juliet. Ted pleads 
the cause of Kappa Psi. Jack argues for Delta Chi. Dudley intro- 
duces Honor to his mother. Virginia, learns of Dudley's marriage. 
"I want to go home — oh, I want to go home!" 

Act II. — The football enthusiasts bring news of Barbara. 
Gretchen and Jerry study Latin and argue fraternity. Honor finds 
it all a little strange. Dudley tells Virginia his love story. "Oh, 
Dudley, you hvirt me!" "There's nothing left for me but to go away!" 

Act III. — "I wonder if people ever get too busy to care!" 
Mrs. Van Antwerp opens Are and Honor stands her ground. "I 
mean to stay!" "I wish I had no heart — it aches so!" "Dear 
little girl, it is good-bye." Honor hears Dudley declare his love 
for Virginia. "Oh, Dad -Dad — your little girl is coming home!" 

Act IV. — Gretchen and Jerry "grow up." The Seniors toast 
the past, the present and the future. Mrs. Van Antwerp reproaches 
herself. "Here comes the bride." The Kappa Psis and the Delta 
Chi holds reunions. "Honor, is it really you?" "If 5'ou want me, 
I am here." 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



The Thread of Destiny 

By LINDSEY BARBEE. 
Price, 25 Cents 

Comedy-drama of the Civil War in 3 acts; 9 males, 16 females. 
Time, 2% hours. Scenes: 1 interior, 2 exteriors. Characters: 
Peyton Bailey, of the U. S. army. Beverly Montgomery, a con- 
federate scout. Colonel Montgomery, a gentleman of the old school. 
Tom Randolph, a Southern gallant. John Morton, of the North. 
Ralph, who did not go to war. George and Uncle Billy, slaves. 
A Union Scout. Virginia, the toast of the country. Betty, the 
"Little Colonel." Edith, a northern cousin. Louise, a spy. Eight 
charming southern girls. Mrs. Montgomery. Miss Melissy, of in- 
quisitive nature. Fanny and Mammy, slaves. 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. — Betty breaks a looking glass. Edith calms her fears 
and tells her "the signs of the times." "Virginia has seceded." 
Beverly enlists. "A Virginia woman does not even recognize an 
acquaintance among the enemies of Virginia." 

Act II. — "I don' wan' no tarnished silber linin' to my cloud." 
"There are some things more precious than money, than jewels." 
"Death cannot conquer love — nor eternity." "Some day there will 
be no North, no South, but the Union." The Union scout falls a 
prey to Edith's fascinations and her cleverness wins the coveted 
dispatch. Virginia opens the door — to Peyton. Beverly is dis- 
covered. Friendship proves stronger than duty. 

Act III. — Three years work a great change. Peyton pleads in 
vain. George and Fanny "take de road to de Ian' of happiness." 
"In our little circle the stars and bars are floating high." Virginia 
gives Peyton another rose and together they trace against the 
background of blue and gi^ay "the golden thread of destiny." 



Shadows 



By MARY MONCURE PARKER. 
Price, 15 Cents 

Play fit the South today and a dream of the past in 1 act; 
an interior scene; 3 males, 4 females. Time, 35 minutes. Charac- 
ters: Prologue and the Awakening: Robert Ashton, Virginia's 
sweetheart. Aunt Geranium, an old colored mammy. Virginia Lee, 
a southern maid. The Dream: Gordon Sanford, a soldier in love 
with Alice. Harold Hale, the successful rival., Mrs. Horace 
Fairfax, a stern mother of long ago. Alice Fairfax, her dutiful 
daughter. STORY OF THE PLAY. 

Virginia Lee's mother insists upon her marriage with a rich 
suitor, who has agreed to restore their impoverished estate. Vir- 
ginia has a sweetlieart of lier childhood days and hesitates in 
making a choice, but finally decides upon wealth instead of love. 
An old colored mammy, who has spent her life in the Lee house- 
hold, understands the situation and tells Virginia of a similar 
episode in the life of Virginia's grandmother. Virginia in ponder- 
ing' over the incident and grieving over her own troubles, falls 
asleep. She dreams of the story just told and the dream folks 
appear and play their parts. Virginia awakens, the shadows flee 
and she comes to her senses and her lover. 

The old colored mammy says: "Dis heah ole worl's jes' full 
of shadders. Pokes comes an' dey goes, ripens and drops like the 
fruit on de tree. Ole Mars is gone, old Mistis gone. De substance 
melts and fades away. Ain't nothing left but shadders." 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



Parlor Matches 

By WALTER BEN HARE. 

Price, 25 Cents 

An engaging comedy of society, 2 acts; 4 males, 5 females. 
Time, lYz hours. Scene: 1 simple interior. Characters: Vance 
Trelford, a professional hero, who doesn't want to be engaged. 
Don Radev, his cousin, a serious young man, engaged, thank you.' 
i-'erdinand Poppleton, a frivolous young man, likewise engaged, 
.lorkes, the butler, who may or may not be engaged. Mrs. Seltoon, 
who believes in engagements. Margaret Seltoon, her elder daugh- 
ter, engaged to Mr. Radey. Suzanne Seltoon, her younger daughter, 
engaged to Mr. Poppleton. Gail Lawrence, her ward, engaging 
and eventually engaged. Abigail Mullen, A. B., her maid, tem- 
porarily engaged, as it were. 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. — A morning in June at Solitaire Villa, Dovecote. Mrs. 
Seltoon smooths out the course of true love. "Whoever heard 
of a grass widow playing a heroine in a love scene?" "Oh, it's 
one of the best things they do." Mrs. Seltoon seeking a man for 
her niece. "What is his yearly income?" The butler's opinion 
of a woman A. B. "Near-sighted, men's shoes, short bedrabtaled 
skirts, last year's hat and a banner saying Votes for Women!" 
The new maid who is a graduate from the Splinterville Normal. 
The moving picture hero. "Women make me nervous. I always 
keep out of their way." Symptoms of hydrophobia. "I bark,, bow- 
wow-wow!" "His father is in oil and vinegar." "Is it a new kind 
of a bath?" Gail announces her engagement to the moving pic- 
ture hero. "He's here in town!" "Fall, O walls, and -crush me!" 

Act II. — A dinner party. Ferdy decides to enlist in the army. 
A reconciliation. Abigail and Adrian Lee of the movies. "Those 
eyes, that nose, it's him?" "I've seen you propose in white 
flannels, in feathers, in full evening clothes, in a sailor suit, 
and in the garbage of a monk, and every time you've won her in 
the end." Gail and her fiancee. That odious Mr. Trelford. Din- 
ner is served. Vance Trelford learns that he is engaged. "I ex- 
pected it all along." "Yes, I begin to think that I did it myself." 

Sewing for the Heathen 

By WALTER BEN HARE. 
Price, 15 Cents 

Entertainment for 9 ladies, either young or middle-aged. Time, 
40 minutes. Can be played on any stage or platform, or even in 
any room. Very refined. Suitable for church or any society. Char- 
acters: Mrs. Judd, the hostess. Mrs. Chester, the president. Mrs. 
R. B. Powers, the stranger. Grandma Gibbs, deaf but persistent. 
Miss Luella Huggins, so sentimental. Mrs. Strong, a suffragist. 
Mrs. Meeker, gentle and good. Mrs. Day, a bride. Meely, the 
hired girl. g^^^^pg^g 

An anxious hostess. Meely wants to serve winny-wurst sand- 
wiches and noodle soup. The mystery of the jardeniere. The 
President arrives before she is expected. "It was her hair; she 
hadn't got it all on yet." Red flannels for the Hottentots in the 
middle of Africa. A stranger in town, the rich Mrs. Powers. A 
trip down town. Grandma Gibbs and her ear-trumpet. The rich 
Mrs. Powers is mistaken for the dressmaker. The meeting of the 
society. A little tiff. The giddy Miss Huggins is late as usual; 
A present from t he men. "Sewing for the Heathen." 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Price IS Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price is Given 



Winning Widow, 2 acts, VA hrs. 

(25c) 2 4 

Women Who Did, 1 hr...(25c) 17 

Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 8 3 

FARCES, COiMEDIETAS, Etc. 

All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. 4 6 

April Fools, 30 min 3 

Assessor, The, 10 min 3 2 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 

Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 

Billy's Mishap, 20 min 2 3 

Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 

Borrowing Trouble, 20 min. .. . 3 5 
Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 

Country Justice, IS min 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 

Divided Attentions, 35 min 1 4 

Dude in a Cyclone, 20 min.... 4 2 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 

Fudge and a Burglar, IS min.. S 

Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 
Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
Great Pumpkin Case, 30 min.. 12 

Hans Von Smash, 30 min.... 4 3 

I'm Not Mesilf at All, 25 min. 3 2 
Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 

Is the Editor In? 20 min... 4 2 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 

Mike Donovan's Courtship, 15 m. 1 3 

Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 

Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 3Sm. 8 

Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 m. 3 2 

My Wife's Relations, 1 hr.... 4 6 

Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 

Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min. 6 3 

Regular Fix, 35 min 6 4 

Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 

Shadows, 35 min 2 2 

Sing a Song of Seniors, 30 min. 7 

Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 

Taming a Tiger, 30 min. 3 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 

Those Red Envelopes, 25 min. 4 4 
Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

min 3 6 

Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 
Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 

Two Ghosts in White, 20 min . . 8 

Two of a Kind. 40 min . 2 3 

Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min. . 3 2 

Wanted a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 

Wanted a Hero, 20 min 1 1 



Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 

Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 

Yankee Peddler, 1 hr 7 3 

VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, IMON- 
OLOGUES, ETHIOPiAN PLAYS. 

Ax'in' Her Father, 25 min 2 3 

Booster Club of Blackville, 25 m.lO 
Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 

Cold Finish, IS min 2 

Colored Honeymoon, 25 min... 2 
Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min. 1 
Coming Champion, 20 min.... 
Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m. 

Counterfeit Bills, 20 min 

Darktown Fire Brigade, 25 min. 
Doings of a Dude, 20 min.... 

Dutch Cocktail, 20 min 

For Reform, 20 min 

Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min.. 
Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min . 
Good Mornin' Judge, 35 min.. 

Her Hero, 20 min. 

Hey, Rube! IS min 

Home Run, 15 min... 

Jumbo Jum, 30 min 

Little Red School House, 20 m. 

Love and Lather, 35 min 

Marriage and After, 10 min.. 

Memphis Mose, 25 min 

Mischievous Nigger, 25 min.. 

Mistaken Miss, 20 min 

Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min 

Oh, Doctor! 30 min 

One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m 
Oshkosh Next Week, 20 min . . 

Oyster Stew, 10 min 

Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10m 

Pickles for Two, 15 min 2 

Pooh Bah of Peacetown, 35 min. 2 2 
Prof. Black's Funnygraph, 15 ni. 6 

Sham Doctor, 10 min 4 2 

Si and I, IS min 1 

Special Sale, 15 min 2 

Stage Struck Darky, 10 min.. 2 1 
Sunny Son of Italy, IS min.. 1 

Time Table, 20 min 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 
Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 
Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 
Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 
Umbrella Mender, IS min.... 2 

Uncle Jeff, 25 min 5 2 

What Happened to Hannah, ISm. 1 1 



A great number of 

Standard and Amateur Piays 

not found iiere are ilsted in 

Denison's Cataiosue 



T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers,154 W. Randolph St. , Chicago 



POPULAR ENTERTAINI 

Price, illustrated Paper Covers 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




IN this Series 
are found 
books touching 
every feature 
in the enter- 
tainment field. 
Finely made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attractive 
individual cov- 
er design. 



A Partial List 

DIALOGUES 

All Sorts of Dialogues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

Very clever; for young people. 
Children's Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven years of age. 
Country School Dialogues. 

Brand new, original- 
Dialogues for District Schools. 

For country schools. 
Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen selections. 
The Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Over 50,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Humorous Homespun Dialogues. 

For older ones. 
Little People's Plays. 

From 7 to 13 years of age. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; 'mostly humorous. 
Merry Little Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight original selections. 
When the Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 

Original successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. 
The Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch. Negro, Scotcli, etc. 
The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 
The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 

For pupils of all ages. 
Humorous Monologues. 

Particularly for ladie.<;. 
Monologues for Young Folks. 

Clever, humorous, original. 



Monoid lllillllllllllllllll 

scrap:L„.0 .017 400 244™ 

Choice collections, pathetic, hu- 
morous, descriptive, prose, 
poetry. 15 Nos., per No. 25c 

DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children frorn 6 to 11 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys' Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book. 

Invitations, decorations, games. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments- for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Sunday Schools. 

Dialogues, exercises, recitations. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving. 

A gem of a book. 
Good Things for Washington 

and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Little Folks' Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pictured Readings and Tableaux. 

Entirely original features. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor gaines for children. 
Private Theatricals. 

How to put on plays. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
ing Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletide Entertainments, 

A choice Christmas collection. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

Black American Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's g;ags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
LaughlandjVia the Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny stories, jok^s, gag.s, etc. 

Large illustrated CataloKue Free 



T.S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers,! 54 W. Randolph St. , Chicago 



